|
|
watch the movie at http://www.cane-toad.com/
I loved what Baz says (or rather mouths when Victa comes along) |
|
How To Install a Poor-man's Security System:
Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots, a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dog dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like: "Bubba, big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in an hr." Don't disturb the pit bulls; they've just been de-wormed." |
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!" "Blowjobs!" the woman replied. "It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true... no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're gone!' |
|
|
|
hehe i like the im with stupid one... must have been rite timing and clothes for the day
|
I got sent a link to this today.
Dunno if it's been posted before but i found it pretty damn funny :D |
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, & then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots & the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. ---------------------------------------- (P= The problem logged by the pilot.) (S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.) ************************************************** ********************** P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. >---------------------------------------- P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. ---------------------------------------- P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. ---------------------------------------- P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. ---------------------------------------- P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. ---------------------------------------- P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. ---------------------------------------- P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. ---------------------------------------- P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're for. ---------------------------------------- P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. ---------------------------------------- P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. ---------------------------------------- P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. ---------------------------------------- P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, & be serious. ---------------------------------------- P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. ---------------------------------------- P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. ---------------------------------------- P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget |
I LIKE MONKEYS
The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing. I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour. Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys. I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys. I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed. I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad. I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving. I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones. I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals. I like monkeys |
ahahah nice man i loved the part where he gets hit in the genitals :D im still laughing
|
yeah that monkey story is a classic...its the only thing i fully read :P
|
[img]http://upshizzle.com/files/****ingmoran.gif[/img]
A korean Takumii? |
|
Wailing works for lovelorn humpbacks
SMH - February 3, 2006 - 8:24AM People have often used song to attract the opposite sex. Now, whales are crooning for love. A team of researchers from the University of Queensland (UQ) has found proof that male humpback whales spend many hours "singing" in a bid to woo potential partners. The group has spent the past three years tracking and recording whales during the annual migration season off Peregian Beach, on Queensland's Sunshine Coast, in September and October. The researchers - UQ PhD student Joshua Smith and his supervisor Dr Michael Noad - confirmed that singing males spent more quality time with females. They said the songs, which can last up to 23 hours and are mainly made up of chirps, helped sexual interaction between whales. "Songs appear to be directed more towards females possibly as a courtship and mating display than a signal to warn off or repel rival males," Mr Smith said. "Singers are joining females with calves more often and singing for a much longer duration with them than any other social group. "The characteristics of the song are possibly being used by the female to assess these males." The UQ team is the first research group to provide a link between song and courtship in whales. So boys, if you want to attract that female you've had your eye on, get some singing lessons!! ;) lol |
bahahah that arnold rave is funny as...... :D
|
|
Yahoo's 'Finds of the Year' announced, and they awarded http://www.netdisaster.com the Best Innovative Website prize. The website provides fed-up web surfers with a variety of options to let go of steam, including throwing virtual cow dung or a meteor shower over websites of their choice. There's 29 different modes to choose from ;)
Here's a sample: (hehehe btw Mods, I really don't mean this! AGT rulz :D ) Is this how you feel? |
| All times are GMT +10. The time now is 05:09 PM. |
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
2001- 2010 AstinaGT