Jokes & funny stories - As rude and uncensored as you like!!!!

[apparition]

[color=#000000ost_uid2][bost_uid2][iost_uid2][uost_uid2]I WANT A CAT LIKE THIS [/bost_uid2][/iost_uid2][/uost_uid2]

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are.
The first man was an Engineer, the second an Accountant, the third was a
Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff!"
T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and
promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that
was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and
said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff!"
Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.
He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed
that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and
said, "Measure, do your stuff!"
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got
a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without
spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can
your cat do?"
The Government Worker called to his cat and said, Coffee Break, do your
stuff!"
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, ****
on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back
while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,
put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on
sick leave.
* *:laugh:[/colorost_uid2]

[MrShadow]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]When NASA started sending astronauts into space, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion dollars developing a pen that writes in zero-g, underwater and on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees.

The Russians used a pencil.[/colorost_uid0]

[MrShadow]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]Just in case people haven't seen it:

"Rice-Boy" Page

I don't accuse anybody here of having "Rice", and even if they did, it IS an Astina after all, so you are forgiven![/colorost_uid0]

[Rupewrecht]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]The abolition of Euro trade barriers in 1996 means that all company cars will now be of German Origin. To this end the company has produced the following list of GERMAN MOTORING PHRASES:

1. Die BlinkenLeitein Tickentocken = Indicators
2. PullKnob und KnuckleChoppen = Bonnet
3. Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben = Exhaust
4. Das Kulink mit Schlippenund Shaken = Clutch
5. Der Phlatt mit Bloodyfukken = Puncture
6. Der Twatten mit Elplatz = Learner Driver
7. Das Bagsaroomfurschagginkin = Estate Car
8. Der flippenFlappenschitspreader = Windscreen Wipers
9. Der KlunkenKlinkenfrauleintrappen = Seat Belt
10. Das Buch fur Arsewipen = Highway Code
11. Die DippenuntDazzel Eiblinden = Headlights
12. Der Pedalpuschinpilloken = Cyclist
13. Der Fukkengratetrucken = Lorry
14. Der Bananawaltzen = Skid
15. Das Fukkennearenschitzenselfen = Near Accident[/colorost_uid0]

[MrShadow]

[color=#000000ost_uid2]A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station,
was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of
schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the
bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said,
"Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the
next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he
got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the
druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's
uniform?"

********************************

[bost_uid2]Riddles To Tell Grandma (Only If She's Dead)[/bost_uid2]

Q: Which part of a vegetable can you not eat?

A: The Wheelchair!

-----

Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?

A. You know she'll swallow.[/colorost_uid2]

[Sandyman]

[color=#FF0000ost_uid0]Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

A: Cuz they haven't got any balls[/colorost_uid0]

[MrShadow]

[color=#000000ost_uid0][bost_uid0]"Jack or Jill?"[/bost_uid0]

An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee,
either Jack or Jill. He thought he'd fire the employee who came to work
late.

The next morning, both employees came to work very early. So the
manager thought he would fire the first one who took a coffee break.
Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break.
Strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day. They both
ate at their desk.

Then the manager thought he'd wait to see who would leave work
earliest, but both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to
the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, "Jill, I have a
terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."

Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."[/colorost_uid0]

[BigMal]

[color=#000000ost_uid1]That 10 rejected childrens books is pretty wild considering
that in the last week and a half we have.

1 child died in an esky drowning in the melted ice.

Another child was hit by a car when him and his dad
pulled over to get a turtle off the road.

And you had the father who murdered his son and then
comitted suicide in cronulla last week.

Saying this in regards to truth being wilder than fiction. It
touched home for me cause the the one in cronulla the
kid was a good mate of my sons, he came to Josh's birthday
couple of months ago and Josh was an absolute mess
when I picked him up last weekend. *Took all day Sat to
get him to come out of his shell.

Sorry about the negative remark on the jokes string

Mal[/colorost_uid1]

[MrShadow]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]Sorry about that Mal, didn't mean to offend anybody. It's just a joke list I subscribe to that sends me some jokes every now and then.

I've edited out that particular section.[/colorost_uid0]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000ost_uid2]Never Lie to your Mother
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's room-mate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his room-mate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, John volunteered,
"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just room-mates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said,
"Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
"You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said,
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." *So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mum"[/colorost_uid2]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "and if the damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

[/colorost_uid0]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN:
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently ageing but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war, haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
After 70, they become A! Afghanistan. Almost everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN:
Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.[/colorost_uid0]

[Toyboy]

[color=#000000ost_uid14]ROFLMAO,good 1 payne boy :laugh:[/colorost_uid14]

[Sandyman]

[color=#FF0000ost_uid0]The president of the english soccer league addressed the presidents of each of the clubs:

"Our new club symbol scheme has been very successful. Using things like a windmill for windale and a wall for west wallsend."

He suddenly stiffened, and his voice became stern.

"However, I'm afraid me must draw the line when it comes to the proposed symbol for Arsenal."[/colorost_uid0]

[Sandyman]

[color=#FF0000ost_uid0]The company owner addressed the shareholders:
"This time last year, we were poised at the edge of precipice. But now, we are about to take a great leap forward."[/colorost_uid0]

[BigMal]

[color=#000000ost_uid1]Nah its cool mate.
I was just stating jokes are funny because they are
close enough to the truth so that you *see it happening.
And in that joke I could. *Its just like that car ad about being
blown away on the same page as the bali bombing.
Seperate they have little in common but the wrong place
at the wrong time and bang, has a whole new meaning.
Pun intended.

Regards

Mal[/colorost_uid1]

[MrShadow]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]A Baptist preacher and a catholic preacher are driving out on a road.

The catholic preacher sees a cat in the middle of the road, and slams
on his brakes. The cat is avoided, but the Baptist preacher hits the
back of the catholic preacher.

They step out of their cars, and begin talking. "Oh, I am so sorry,
that was my fault," says the Baptist preacher.

While waiting for the cops after they called by cell phone, the
preachers soon start talking about their professions to pass the time.


"You know, I never understood why catholic preachers don't drink wine
to represent Christ's blood." The catholic preacher responds, "Well, we
believe that drinking wine is wrong, and just use grape juice instead."
"I have a bottle of wine in my glove compartment right now. Tell you
what, let's drink a little right now while waiting for the cops."

"Oh, no I couldn't, replies the catholic, but after pressuring him, the
catholic preacher soon agrees.

The Baptist preacher takes out the wine and a couple of Dixie cups, and
pours a little into each. The catholic preacher drinks it down quickly.
"That wasn't that bad, you're right," the catholic preacher says.
Noticing the baptist hasn't drank his wine, he asks, "Aren't you going
to have some?"

"Oh sure," the other replies, "I'll wait until after the cops come
though."[/colorost_uid0]

[Sandyman]

[color=#FF0000ost_uid0]I think u have the same joke book as me, Mr Shadow...[/colorost_uid0]

[MrShadow]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their
honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to
do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each
other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the
washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left
the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell
asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and
she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing
machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it
by hand."[/colorost_uid0]

[Sandyman]

[color=#FF0000ost_uid0]heh heh...
the good old jokes![/colorost_uid0]