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Old 14-12-2005, 07:16 PM   #1
Rupewrecht
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Funny things you've been sent lately...

New thread. Old one to big. End of story.


---


The Teacher was very curious about Christmas and how people celebrated this Holiday.

She asked young Patrick Murphy, Tell me Patrick, what do you do at Christmas Time?" "Well Miss, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys." "That's very nice, Patrick" says the teacher.

"Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?" "Well Miss, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum and Dad and we sing Carols, we get home ever so late. We put biscuits and mince pies by the chimney and we hang up our stocking. We hardly sleep waiting for Santa Claus to bring our Presents." "That's very nice Jimmy" says the teacher.

"Now Isaac Cohen, What do you do at Christmas?" "Well it's the same thing every year, Dad comes home from the office, he opens the electric garage door, we all get in to his Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory, we go inside and look at all the empty shelves, and Dad says 'Thank God for Jesus Christ' and then we all go to the Bahamas."
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Old 14-12-2005, 08:36 PM   #2
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Talking Joke

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me - her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was 22, wore tight mini-skirts and generally went bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got a more than pleasant view.
I was sure it was deliberate, as she never did it around anyone else.

One day 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and whispered to me that she had 'feelings and desires' for me
that she couldn't overcome. She said she wanted to make love to me, just once, before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock, and speechless. "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom," she purred. "If you want one last fling, just come up and get me."

Stunned, I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down to me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline for the front door, flung it open and was heading for my car when I was met by my entire future family standing outside, cheering and clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We're very happy you've passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family !"

The moral of the story: always keep your condoms in the car !
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Old 15-12-2005, 11:24 AM   #3
the michelinman
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> What is Marketing?
>
> There's often confusion when explaining what exactly marketing is all
about. Let
> me try and explain.....
> in simple terms.
>
> You see a cute girl at a party.
> You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
> That's Direct Marketing.
>
> You're at a party with a bunch of mates and see a cute girl.
> One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's
fantastic in
> bed."
> That's Advertising.
>
> You see a cute girl at a party.
> You go up to her and get her telephone number.
> The next day you call and say, "Hey, I'm fantastic in bed."
> That's Telemarketing.
>
> You're at a party and see a cute girl.
> You get up and straighten your jacket.
> You walk up to her and pour her a drink.
> You say, "May I," and lean in to light her cigarette, slightly
brushing
against
> her arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
> That's Public Relations.
>
> You're at a party and see a cute girl.
> She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
> That's Brand Recognition.
>
> You're at a party and see a cute girl.
> You talk her into going home with your friend.
> That's a Sales Rep.
>
> Your friend can't satisfy her so he calls you.
> That's Technical Support.
>
> You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
cute
girls in
> all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one
situated
> toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic
in
bed!"
> Well now that's what we call Spam.
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Old 19-12-2005, 09:12 PM   #4
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http://www.guzer.com/videos/snakeattack.php
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Old 20-12-2005, 04:15 PM   #5
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An Engineers Christmas

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau).

At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second—3000 times the speed of sound.

For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (1 kg), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 150 kg. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them--Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 mps in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 120 kg Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

Merry Christmas
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Old 22-12-2005, 04:05 PM   #6
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Santa’s Tired & …
‘Twas the night before Christmas - old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list,
Miserable brats, ungrateful jerks,
I’ve a good mind to scrap the whole damn works.
I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?
My old lady bitches ‘cos I work late at night,
The elves want more money and the reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed up the maids,
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things might get better,
Those assholes from ATO sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny;
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus money?
And the children these days - they all are the pits
Ask the impossible, the mean little ****s.
Spent a whole year makin’ wagons and sleds,
Assembling their dolls - arms, legs and heads.
Made lots of yo yos, but no-one wants them,
Just computers and robots – like I'm IBM?
If you think all that's bad, just picture this:
Try holding those brats, their pants smell of piss
They pull on my nose, they grab at my beard,
And if I don't smile, their mums think I'm weird.
Here I’m flyin’ along, dodging the trees,
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
I'm quitting this job, there's just no enjoyment.
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
So Christmas is OFF - now you know the reason.
Found me a blonde; I'm going SOUTH for the season!
I'll laze in the sun, then into bed I’ll be tucked
And those snotty-nosed brats … can go and get f…ed.
*****************
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Old 28-12-2005, 01:11 PM   #7
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this isnt funny...just awesome

http://thekneeslider.com/archives/20...very-smart-car
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Old 28-12-2005, 04:18 PM   #8
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awesome isnt the word!
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Life would be straight without twisties STOCK AS A ROCKET!

•motor sport is dangerous and that accidents causing harm can and do happen and may happen to me.
I accept the conditions of, and acknowledge the risks arising from, attending or participating in the event and being provided with the event services by CAMS and the Associated Entities
I THINK I AM N2!
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Old 31-12-2005, 06:38 AM   #9
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Yup I found that a few days ago when looking for info on Swift powered minis for the father in law
Thats pretty smart
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Old 31-12-2005, 06:13 PM   #10
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Old 12-01-2006, 06:33 PM   #11
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Shame that most Australians don't drink this (not that I blame them).
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Old 13-01-2006, 10:18 AM   #12
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Shrimp dodging injury blamed for death

http://www.smh.com.au/news/world/shr...956325433.html

 January 13, 2006 - 8:03AM

The family of a US man is seeking $US10 million ($13.26 million) in damages, claiming he died from a neck injury months after ducking to avoid a shrimp tossed by a hibachi chef at a Japanese restaurant.
Lawyer Andre Ferenzo said in opening statements in the New York state Supreme Court yesterday that Jerry Colaitis, 43, wrenched his neck when he ducked to avoid the tossed prawn.
Colaitis, of Long Island, near New York, then died from complications caused by neck surgery he required afterward, Ferenzo said.
The incident occurred in January 2001. Colaitis went to a chiropractor and three neurosurgeons, and underwent surgery at the New York University Medical Centre in June, 2001, Ferenzo said. That November Colaitis was hospitalised with high fever and died the next day.
Charles Connick, a lawyer for Benihana, contended it was unlikely that a chef who works for tips would toss food at customers after being asked not to, as Ferenzo claimed.
Even so, he said, the cause of Colaitis' death was an infection or neck injury unrelated to the shrimp, Newsday reported yesterday.
AP
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Old 13-01-2006, 06:05 PM   #13
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[groan]
A sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts for everyone's
attention. "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?", he asks.

"What's he look like?", asks one shoddy looking cowboy.

"Well", replies the Sheriff. "He wears a brown paper hat,
a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper
boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."

"So what's he wanted for?", asks the same cowboy.

"Rustlin'...", replies the Sheriff.
[/groan]
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Old 13-01-2006, 06:13 PM   #14
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[hillbilly drawl]
Them's banning words, boy!
[/hillbilly drawl]


Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his class but she belonged to someone else. One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said. "I'll give you a $1000 if you let me screw you." But the girl said "NO!".

Johnny said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.

So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says "Ask him for $2000, by the time you pick up the money he won't even be able to get his pants down." So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks "What happened...?" She said "THE BASTARD USED COINS!!!"
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Old 15-01-2006, 10:00 AM   #15
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http://www.funfreepages.com/mirror/Captain-Obvious_com%20-%20Captain%20Obvious%20and%20The%20Most%20Humiliat ing%20Webcam%20Chat,%20EVER!.htm
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Old 15-01-2006, 10:25 AM   #16
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Old 15-01-2006, 06:49 PM   #17
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The very existance of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves,

'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to'
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Old 17-01-2006, 10:39 PM   #18
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hey, i hope this isnt a repost but its seriously worth watching, especially towards the end! some crazy japanese magic tricks, enjoy

http://images2.jokaroo.net/videos/grandpajapan.wmv
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Old 19-01-2006, 08:27 AM   #19
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From another forum:


An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand. I want something VERY special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweller said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by cheque. "I know you need to make sure my cheque is good so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I will pick the ring up Monday afternoon" he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account". "I know" said the old man, "but you can imagine the weekend I had!"
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Old 19-01-2006, 02:37 PM   #20
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I can relate to most of these

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink,I feel
shame.Then, I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then, I say
to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver'."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Henny Youngman


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
I think not."
Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So-o-o-o, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,
of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the
"Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm.

Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the >whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers!"
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may ! make you think you are
Whispering when you are not.
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