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Old 23-03-2006, 06:09 PM   #101
ATOMIC
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Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped
some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them
up, he noticed Bill's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her
dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his
head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife
followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed
he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of
this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that
since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and as John doesn't, he
should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday
rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2pm sharp and after
paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed
their transaction, as agreed.

John then quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work
at 6pm and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly, "Did John
come by the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by a few
minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did
he give you $500?"

In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering
her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500".

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
"Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and
borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this
afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
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Old 23-03-2006, 07:42 PM   #102
MAztinA 323
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hahahahhaha
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Old 28-03-2006, 02:02 PM   #103
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Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."



Apologies to the Kiwis...maybe
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Old 29-03-2006, 09:13 PM   #104
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ORDERING PIZZA IN THE FUTURE

Wanna know how to order a pizza in 2010?
Click on the link below and see... volume.
Listen closely and watch the screen and pointer carefully.
I promise there will be no pop up screaming things!
But listen to the phone conversation.
It is scary enough!
You may laugh and think this is funny, but it could happen.
The technology is already there!!

http://www.aclu.org/pizza/images/screen.swf
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Old 30-03-2006, 09:11 PM   #105
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrPayner
ORDERING PIZZA IN THE FUTURE

Wanna know how to order a pizza in 2010?
Click on the link below and see... volume.
Listen closely and watch the screen and pointer carefully.
I promise there will be no pop up screaming things!
But listen to the phone conversation.
It is scary enough!
You may laugh and think this is funny, but it could happen.
The technology is already there!!

http://www.aclu.org/pizza/images/screen.swf
Already in use but no business will tell you that they use it.

www.baycorp.com.au

Just for a start...
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Old 02-04-2006, 04:59 PM   #106
mrpayner
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Think Geek website..
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Old 03-04-2006, 11:29 AM   #107
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Subject: Fw: Dementia Test .........
> >
> >
> >It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
> >
> >Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we
> >grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert.
> >
> >The saying; "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the
> >brain, so... Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss
> >of intelligence.
> >
> >So, take the following test presented here and determine if you are
> >losing it or are still "with it." The spaces below are so you don't see
> >the answers until you have made your answer.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >OK, relax, clear your mind and... begin.
> >
> >WELL MAYBE NOT THAT CLEAR!
> >
> >
> >1. What do you put in a toaster?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do
> >something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to
> >Question 2.
> >
> >
> >
> >2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the
> >next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even
> >overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading
> >something more appropriate such as Children's World. If you said "water"
> >then proceed to question 3.
> >
> >
> >
> >3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from
> >blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house
> >is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks,"
> >what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions?????
> >If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4.
> >
> >
> >
> >4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over
> >Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided
> >into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, TWO of
> >the engines fail. The pilot, realising that the last remaining engine is
> >also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the
> >engine fails before he has time and the plane fatally crashes smack in
> >the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany.
> >Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany or West Germany or in
> >"no man's land"?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors.
> >
> >If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try
> >to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be
> >appreciated.
> >If you said, "Don't bury the survivors", then proceed to the next
> >question.
> >
> >
> >
> >5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
> >Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading,
> >six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two
> >people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16
> >people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on
> >In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at
> >Milford Haven.
> >What was the name of the bus driver?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It
> >was YOU!!
> >
> >
> >Now pass this along to all your "smart friends" and hope they do better
> >than you did.
>
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Old 03-04-2006, 02:36 PM   #108
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i got the greenhouse one wrong...but in the first bit they spelt it as two words, whereas in the answer it was one word...well thats my lame excuse hahaha
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Old 03-04-2006, 05:45 PM   #109
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yea i got the plane crash wrong. i said the people wouldn't be buried until germany was one country again, but they were survivors,


UNLESS this was 1943 and the people in the plane were jewish, then i suspect the people were dead.... hehehe cheating the system
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Old 03-04-2006, 05:48 PM   #110
MAztinA 323
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i just thought of this concept tonite, but u could prob think of your own words and make sound good


a police panel van was driving through cabramatta with only 1 police officer inside, but he was still in the T3 lane

OR something else like

police cars can drive in T3 lanes in (insert-somewhere-high-in-crime-place-here) with only one driver


something like that
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Old 03-04-2006, 09:43 PM   #111
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DId that make sense in your head...cause it doesn't in mine!
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Old 03-04-2006, 10:36 PM   #112
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yea kinda, well i was driving home from uni after being there for 9 hours, doing 2 assignments the night before and trying to study for a maths test for today, which i did quite well in i think.. so maybe it didnt..

oh and i think this is my 100th post ! yay! hehe
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Old 04-04-2006, 09:23 PM   #113
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Don't know how many of you have seen this, but I laughed my box off?

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2006/03/31/ebay_box_sale/

Don't go off half cocked now y'hear!




Now why is Aaron mumbling something about selling my jugs?
*crosses arms*
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Old 04-04-2006, 09:36 PM   #114
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HAHAAH OMG KITTY that GOLD!
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Old 04-04-2006, 10:51 PM   #115
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rofl - best ebay joke sale ever.
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Old 04-04-2006, 10:55 PM   #116
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thats about as good as the airguitar this guy bought off ebay for $15 + postage.. hehe ther was a xbox360 BOX for sale b4 and bid was $450.. they didnt realise it said just BOX
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Old 05-04-2006, 12:48 AM   #117
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[QUOTE=KittyKatSmack]Don't know how many of you have seen this, but I laughed my box off?

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2006/03/31/ebay_box_sale/

Don't go off half cocked now y'hear!


ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!

the part about the milkman reallly cracked me!

also astinaboi - very good! air guitar! hahahahahhaahahahah
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Old 05-04-2006, 02:52 PM   #118
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At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since
her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she
and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that
her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire
night together.

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the
expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door
opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They
unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she
prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door,
and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat
surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are
done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Wally is back
again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for
more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.

But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am
thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so
often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were
only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally."

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says:........."You
mean I was here already?"
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Old 05-04-2006, 05:43 PM   #119
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BAHAHAHAH OMG! i love short term memory

or do we call it goldfish memory...thats why gold fish always go around in circles around the bowl...3 second memory they keep forgettin where theyve been
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Old 06-04-2006, 08:46 AM   #120
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I tell you that thing about goldfish memory is all lies!!
who has ever owned a goldfish? I have it knew which corner it got fed in and anytime someone walked past it would head to its corner, Its not quite ready for its PHD but soon I tell ya,
Siamese fighting fish are smarter again it only goes to its corner when the GF walks past as she is the one that feeds it.

PS yeah I want to have a dog again, dam unit life.
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