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24-06-2003, 01:54 PM | #1 |
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funny things i've been sent lately
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst out laughing. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynaecologist." At that point, the proctologist fainted. ---- it's worth the read http://mdn.mainichi.co.jp/waiwai/0306/0623frogs.html ---- A Family of Collingwood supporters head out one Saturday morning to do their Christmas shoplifting . While in Rebel Sports the son picks up a Carlton footy jumper and says to his 10 year old sister, "I've decided to become a Carltonsupporter and I would like this for Christmas". His sister, outraged by this, promptly whacks him round the head with her carton of Winfields and says, "Go talk to Mum." Off goes the little lad with the Carltonfooty jumper in hand and finds his mother. "Mum?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Carltonsupporter and I would like this jumper for Christmas". The mother is outraged at this and throws her moccasins and a full stubbie of VB at him, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Lets go talk to your father". Off they go to Pentridge during visiting hours with footy jumper in hand and find Bubba, his father. "Dad?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Carltonsupporter and I would like this jumper for Christmas". The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head with his fists and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT", and then kicks him from one end of the rec. room to the other for further good measure. About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home (Reservoir). *The mother turns to her son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today?" The son says, "Yes knackers I have." "Good son, what is it?" The son replies, "I've only been a Carltonsupporter for an hour and already I hate you Collingwood Pricks."
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24-06-2003, 02:09 PM | #2 |
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Bad day?
The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this: You're a Siamese twin. Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay. You're not. He has a date coming over tonight. You only have one ass. Feeling better? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- BLAMESTORMING Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. SEAGULL MANAGER A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. ASSMOSIS The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. SALMON DAY The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end. CUBE FARM An office filled with cubicles. PRAIRIE DOGGING When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause from a promotion because there maybe cake, coffee and doughnuts.) MOUSE POTATO The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. SITCOMs Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business". STRESS PUPPY A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney. XEROX SUBSIDY Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. ADMINISPHERE The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" needless paperwork and processes. 404 Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. OHNOSECOND That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. 'reply all') WOOFYS Well Off Older Folks. CROP DUSTING Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Top 17 Bumber Stickers You Would Like To See 17. Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you're an asshole. 16. Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings." 15. The proctologist called...they found your head. 14. Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.> 13. Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date for tonight.> 12. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted. 11. I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off. 10. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. 9. Guys... just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.> 8. Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people "Everybody But Me." 7. Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends. 6. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me. 5. If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you. 4. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. 3. Try not to let your mind wander. It's too small and fragile to be out by itself. 2. Hang up and drive!! AND THE NUMBER ONE BUMPER STICKER YOU'D LIKE TO SEE!! 1. Welcome to Australia. Now speak English ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up... "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come.Run with us through the sunny forest, you'll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the sh#t out of the little rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? ... He was merely trying to help us!" The lion answers, "That little f***! He makes me run around the forest like a muppet every time he's done an E.
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Gimme a caffeine drip and I'll be right.... Confuscias say "man who go to sleep with itchy bottom, wake up with smelly finger" |
24-06-2003, 02:28 PM | #3 |
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Concentrate for this one....
The Tasmanian Family Tree Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her and soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life. My daughter was my mother for she was my father's wife. To complicate the matters worse although it brought me joy, I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle though it made me very sad. For if he was my uncle then that also made him brother To the widow's grown-up daughter who, of course, was my stepmother. Father's wife then had a son who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson for he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife she is my grandma too. If my wife is my grandmother then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it it simply drives me wild. For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw As the husband of my grandmother I am my own grandpa. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This is one for the computer-minded people out there: http://sct.staghosting.com/index.html http://www.rinkworks.com/stupid/
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Gimme a caffeine drip and I'll be right.... Confuscias say "man who go to sleep with itchy bottom, wake up with smelly finger" |
26-06-2003, 02:47 PM | #4 |
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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section and Mick says to Paddy, "Dats Dem!" The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere", says Mick."Put dem in a pepper bag". The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave.
They get into Mick's van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 300 foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place," says Mick. He then takes the four birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'Splat!' As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says "Fock Dat, is budgie jumping is too fockin dangerous for me..." A few minutes later, Seamus approaches. He too has been to the pet shop and he's carrying the familiar 'pepper bag'. He then pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in the other hand Seamus is carrying a gun. "Watch this Paddy," he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is another 'Splat!' and he joins Mick at the bottom of the cliff. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin that parrotshooting noider..." After a few minutes, Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and walks up with his 'pepper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Mick wit his budgie jumpin, den Seamus parrotshooting - and now you, - fockin' hengliding."
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01-07-2003, 08:49 PM | #5 |
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Why do chicken coupes have two doors?
If they had four doors they would be chicken sedans :lol:
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My 'stina Hatch |
22-07-2003, 01:20 PM | #6 |
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I found this on another site its great.
Eminems next song. Hi! My name is (who?)... My name is (what)... My name is (scratches)... Rice Burner! Hi kids, do you like 5 inch tips?, Wanna see me stick chrome fender flares over each one of my Konigs? Wanna follow me and do exactly as I did? Try NOS and get your motor f***ed up worse then my life is? My brain's dead weight, I'm trying to get my head straight, but I can't figure out which sticker to put over my license plate. And the mechanic says "Rice Burner you's a crack head” "Nu-uh" "Then why's your car dead, man its wasted " Well since age 9 I've wanted an Si so I could put chrome 18's on it and make it run 16.9's. Got pissed off and ripped all my Honda emblems off, And replaced them with "R" badges so people know I'm not soft. I smoke a big bowl of chron, lay in my lawn For longer then it took me to put my altezzas on. "Come here bastard" "Dude, wait a minute that's a viper, dawg!!" I don't give a f***; I'll just fly by and put my hazards on! Hi! My name is (who?)... My name is (what)... My name is (scratches)... Rice Burner! I pull up to the starting line, from a fifty roll I'm usually fine, But dem goddamn V ten Ponies smoke me all the time. 99% of my crew I have to lie to, I just found out a salad shooter makes more torque than I do, My chrome 15's own, my Integra's a Type-R clone, ****, even my kanji decals are worth 10 horsepower alone. Hi! My name is (who?)... My name is (what)... My name is (scratches)... Rice Burner! Stop the race, this car needs to be locked away. Not even Justin Timberlake in drag is this gay. I talk a mad line of jive, at the track I barely survive, But an 8 foot aluminum wing looks bitchin on a front wheel drive. Hi! My name is (who?)... My name is (what)... My name is (scratches)... Rice Burner
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22-07-2003, 03:21 PM | #7 |
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haha. i like the rice burner one :lol:
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22-07-2003, 06:43 PM | #8 |
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ROFLMFAO.... mabey it's funnies 'cause I'm pissed, but goddamn that is so funny...if you can find any audio...
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Gimme a caffeine drip and I'll be right.... Confuscias say "man who go to sleep with itchy bottom, wake up with smelly finger" |
23-07-2003, 07:50 AM | #9 |
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:lol:
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[UNL35H] CANDY BA 1.8L Turbo - with the Twotone spread with the loco paint 2sus custom resprays |
24-07-2003, 11:00 AM | #10 |
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up the top it says "habib the builder" but the pics kinda dark.
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O-LYM-PIC O-LYM-PIC O-LYM-PIC "her name was veronica, she had an ass the size of south america" -wyclef |
24-07-2003, 11:04 AM | #11 |
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and another one...
good ol harry.
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O-LYM-PIC O-LYM-PIC O-LYM-PIC "her name was veronica, she had an ass the size of south america" -wyclef |
24-07-2003, 03:01 PM | #12 | |
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LOL.
Quote:
GOLD :lol: go harry potter!
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[UNL35H] CANDY BA 1.8L Turbo - with the Twotone spread with the loco paint 2sus custom resprays |
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29-07-2003, 02:30 PM | #13 |
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The new Mazda Ad...
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30-07-2003, 05:47 PM | #14 |
AstinaGT Regular
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--------------------------------- -------- --------- --- Image is live from our flat! --- Come visit me at http://s2.co.nz/ --------------------------------- |
30-07-2003, 07:20 PM | #15 |
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I posted the ping pong a bit earlier. You can find more clips from the same tv show on this site.
http://www.ntv.co.jp/channel/kasoh/ Just click the items in the list of links for different clips
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31-07-2003, 01:07 PM | #16 |
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People were in their pews talking at church.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said. "Don't you know who I am? The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't." said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I could cause you profound! horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years..."
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31-07-2003, 01:50 PM | #17 |
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Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
those Brooms still for sale or what? :wink: |
31-07-2003, 10:07 PM | #18 |
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i like the "her 12 year old daughter played with the broomstick for hours" hehehehehee.
and kittykat, im sure that we could find u one of em if ur really desperate!!! im sure some of these boys here probably have one spare for u 2 ride!!!!
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O-LYM-PIC O-LYM-PIC O-LYM-PIC "her name was veronica, she had an ass the size of south america" -wyclef |
31-07-2003, 10:08 PM | #19 |
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ummm i just read that last line again, and it came out all wrong. sorry.
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O-LYM-PIC O-LYM-PIC O-LYM-PIC "her name was veronica, she had an ass the size of south america" -wyclef |
01-08-2003, 11:58 AM | #20 |
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*cracks up laughing*
*falls off chair* OUCH! :shock: :roll: :lol: |
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