funniest thing you've heard lately?

[Toyboy]

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a fat arsed dog. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires!

So I called him a piece of farkn horse ****. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

:lol: :lol:

[Trav]

what an arsehole thing to do...I like it :lol:

[Cosmo Dude]

Bob was driving home over the Westgate Bridge at about 110 km/h.
Wouldn't you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob
pulled over like a good citizen. The copper walked up to the window
and said, "You know how fast you were going BOY?!?" Bob thought for a
second and asked, "Uhhh, over 80?"
"110 km/h son! 110 km/h in a 80 zone!" "But if you already knew,"
replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?" Ignoring Bob, the officer
continued, in his normal charming fashion,"That's speeding and you're
getting a ticket and a fine!"
The copper took a good look at Bob and said, "You don't even look
like you have a job! Why,... I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my
entire life!" Bob recanted, "I've got a job! I have a good, well
paying job!" The copper leaned in the window, and with the smell of
day old donuts on his breath, said, "What kind of a job would a idiot
like you have?!?" "I'm a arsehole stretcher!!!" replied Bob. "What
did you say, " asked the copper. " I'm a arsehole stretcher!!!" Of
course the cop asked, "What does a arsehole stretcher do?"
Bob explained, "People call me up and say they want to be stretched,
so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple
more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and
farther apart until it's six feet across." The copper, absorbed with
the images in his mind, let down his guard
and asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot arsehole?" Bob
nonchalantly commented, "You give it a radar detector and stick it at
the end of a bridge!


:lol:

[Sandyman]

how does 110 in a 60 zone sound. the cops don't like that, it would seem.

[SehnKhan]

Gee, you think? :roll:

[:Jear:]

Your right, iv tried 110 in a 60 zone and they didnt like it... but that was when I was young and irresponsible and in the biggest radar trap in the whole of bayside :roll:

[Cosmo Dude]

Originally Posted by :Jear:

Your right, iv tried 110 in a 60 zone and they didnt like it... but that was when I was young and irresponsible and in the biggest radar trap in the whole of bayside :roll:

Now your older? :lol:

[O-LYM-PIC]

Originally Posted by Cosmo Dude

Now your older? :lol:

no, now he just makes sure that hes not in a radar trap.

[Rupewrecht]

WHAT DOES A KISS TASTE LIKE?

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"

"No, I don't," said the little boy. "Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of Ass!"

[KittyKatSmack]

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him

"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

[KittyKatSmack]

A husband is at home watching the football when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the hall light? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says, angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have ACTEWAGL printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly!"
"Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Whirlpool written on my forehead? I don't think so!"

"Fine," she says, "Well then, could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break up!"
"Does it look like I've got Bunnings written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of this, I'm going to the pub!"

So, he goes to the pub and drinks until closing time. When he arrives home, he notices the steps are fixed and the light has stopped flickering. He goes to the fridge to get a beer and notices that the fridge door is also fixed.

"Honey, how did all these get fixed?"
"Well," she said, "When you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, so I told him. He offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was either bake him a cake or have sex with him."

"So what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "HELLO!!!..... do you see Bakers Delight written on my forehead? I DON'T THINK SO!!"

[Toyboy]

ROFLMAO,thats golden kitty :lol: :wink:

[SehnKhan]

lol, I like that one Kitty

[Aaron]

*makes sure the lights in the house aren't flickering, the step doesn't wobble and the fridge is AOK*

*phew* At least that won't happen to me.......

[mrpayner]

It's not really a heard but more a seen...



AP

[mrpayner]

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right.

The first man replied, "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmm....let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliché for speed." He turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my Dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man.

"It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said. Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question.

"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink or turn on the light, I'd **** my pants!"

He got the job!

:lol:

[Toyboy]

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and the blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm
staying right here!"

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she's blonde?, I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, I speak blonde!"

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear. She says "Oh, I'm sorry," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."
:roll: :wink:

[Sandyman]

ok, well today i say a devivery truck. On the side it said:
Primo
Smallgoods

:P

[Dogo]

haha ive seen those trucks heaps of times.
always good for a laugh

[pr1mo]

Originally Posted by Dogo

haha ive seen those trucks heaps of times.
always good for a laugh

:lol: :lol: :lol: