Jokes & funny stories - As rude and uncensored as you like!!!!

[sik astina]

[color=#0000FFost_uid5]A truckie is driving along a country highway.
Despite signs warning that kangaroos and wombats
Cross the road for the ‘next 5 km’ he sees any number
of dead bodies on the road. So he slows down.
Which is just as well because, suddenly, he spots
Something moving, right smack bang in the middle
of the highway. He slams on the anchors, bringing
The truck to a halt a few feet away from a young
couple furiously bonking. He winds down the
window and starts yellow obscenities at them. The
young bloke stands up and apologizes. ‘Sorry, mate. I
was coming, she was coming, and you were coming.
But you were the only one that had brakes.’[/colorost_uid5]

[astina]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]there was a guy and his woman and they had had just finished having sex so the guy rolls over and reaches into his jeans pocket and pulls out a smoke but he cant find his lighter so he askes his girl if she had one and she replied "yeah in the top droor next to the bed". so the guy opens the droor and there was a box of matches sitting on top of a photo of a guy. so he lights up his smoke and askes his girl if the guy in the photo was her father she says no then he askes if it was her husband she says no he askes if it was her boyfriend she says no so the the guy says who the **** is it then and the girl replies. Thats me before my opperation. ???[/color:post_uid0]

[Rupewrecht]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion
surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and
standing there are two persons dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits.
They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a
limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead.

The Klansmen walk off. As they are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies.
One blonde genie says to the other one, "Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.
But to be hung like a black man is beyond me".[/colorost_uid0]

[TURBO MAZDA]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back
and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would!
I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"
The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on

three million dollars. But realistically, we're living with two sluts and a fag."[/colorost_uid0]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000ost_uid2]LEAVING THE OFFICE EARLY

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. *
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."[/colorost_uid2]

[BigMal]

[color=#000000ost_uid1]Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them
collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are
glazed. The other guy whips out his cellphone and calls the
emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I
do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's
make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Mal :laugh:[/colorost_uid1]

[Rupewrecht]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]A train hits a bus load of school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St Peter.

St Peter asks first girl, "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger. St Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Karina have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says "Susan! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jackie sticks her arse in it"[/colorost_uid0]

[EZZY]

[color=#000080ost_uid0]"Crossing The Sahara Desert"

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara
desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel
suddenly dropped dead without warning. After
dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest
surveyed their situation. After a long period of
silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks
pretty grim."

"I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely
that we
can survive more than a day or two."

"I agree," says the Father, "Sister, since we are
unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do
something for me?"

"Anything father."

"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was
wondering if I might see yours."

"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it
would do any harm."

The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed
the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting
frequently on their beauty.

"Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She
consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?"

"Yes sister?"

"I have never seen man's privates. Could I see
yours?"

"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied,
lifting his robe.

"Oh father, may I touch it?"

This priest consented and after a few minutes of
fondling, he was sporting a huge erection.

"Sister, you know that if I insert my privates in
the
right place, it can give life."

"Is that true father?"

"Yes, it is, sister."

"Then why don't you stick it in that camel and let's
get the hell out of here?"[/colorost_uid0]

[EZZY]

[color=#000080ost_uid0]Damn Women Drivers!!
>
>
>Driving to the office this morning on the I-81,
>I looked over to my left and there was a woman
>in a brand new BMW doing 85 MPH per hour with her face
>up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eye liner!
>
>
>
>I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back
>she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that
>makeup !!! It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my
>electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
>
>
>
>In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees
>against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my
>ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned
>'Big Jim and the Twins', ruined the phone and
>
>DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.
>DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS !!!!!!!!!!!!
>
>Have A Great Day!
>(Drive safe, keep the lid on your coffee)[/colorost_uid0]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it,he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."
That's it! She blows her top! "You b*stard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh no - it's started!"[/colorost_uid0]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]Two cowboys from Arizona walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices.
Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her.
"Kin ya swaller?" asks one of the cowboys.
"No", signals the woman, desperately shaking her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asks the other.
The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "No" again.
The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her pants, and slowly runs his tongue up and down between the woman's bum-cheeks. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breath again.
The cowboy slowly walks back over to the bar and proudly takes a drink of his beer. His partner says in admiration, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I ain't never seen nobody do it before.[/colorost_uid0]

[EZZY]

[color=#000080ost_uid0]IF CLEO WERE WRITTEN BY A MAN........

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing - your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If your still not sure, then just perform oral on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Sperm can help you loose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should, he should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral on him and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep never giving me one.

A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.[/colorost_uid0]

[BigMal]

[color=#000000ost_uid1]Not as good as above but still funny.

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk
by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the
man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them
to have safe sex". "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard
of that in health class at school"

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are
there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys.
One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy.

He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for
college men, the dad answers. TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for
Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy.

"Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad
replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one
for March..."[/colorost_uid1]

[Rupewrecht]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]a clean joke! :O
---

The parrot was a present from a friend.

Fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive, and those that weren't, were....rude. The new owner tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.

Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, he put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet.

Not a sound for half a minute. Frightened that he might have hurt the bird, he quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out and said:

"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavour at once to correct my behaviour. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

Astonished at the bird's change in attitude, the owner was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued...

"May I ask what the chicken did?"[/colorost_uid0]

[IZG-00D]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]November 20, 2002 - Wireless Flash
Woman Attempts All-`Man-Juice' Diet

SANTA MONICA, Calif. (Wireless Flash) -- A woman in Santa Monica, California, is attempting to lose weight in a manner others may not be able to stomach -- an all-semen diet.
Starting December 1, a plump porn star named Kim Kelly hopes to lose between 10 and 20 pounds by spending 30 days on a diet consisting largely of semen -- or as she prefers, "man juice."

It may be hard for you to swallow but Kelly is shooting for at least six square meals a day -- with occasional pigouts.

So far, more than 800 men have offered to help Kelly with her diet and she's currently screening applicants thoroughly for STDs.

Although nutrition experts agree "man juice" is high in zinc and other nutrients, there's no officially recommended daily allowance.

Therefore, Kelly says plans to drink plenty of banana smoothies in between her regular meals because, in her words, "I'm not going to kill myself for this."


Link[/colorost_uid0]

[Trav]

[color=#3A6EA5ost_uid0]lame but funny...

Q. How do you fit an elephant in a safeway bag?

A. Take the 'S' out of Safe and the 'F' out of Way...[/colorost_uid0]

[MrShadow]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]51 Days

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table.

The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed children's jigsaw puzzle. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture explains, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together.

"The side of the box said 2 to 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"[/colorost_uid0]

[MrShadow]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]Ok, the last joke ripped off blondes, so here's a couple for the ladies:

[bost_uid0]Living with the Girlfriend[/bost_uid0]

One night, this guy is invited out for a night with the guys. He promised his live-in girlfriend that he would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down smooth, and before he knew it, it was 2:30 a.m. Drunk as a skunk, he headed for home.

Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, he realized that she'd probably wake up, so he was quite proud of himself when he thought to cuckoo nine more times. Even in his drunken haze, he fell asleep smiling about how he had escaped a possible conflict.

The next morning, his girlfriend asked him what time he got in, and he replied, "Twelve." She didn't seem disturbed at all, which made the guy feel even better.

She then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock.

"Why is that?" he asked.

"Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, said "Oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

[bost_uid0]The Wife[/bost_uid0]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.[/colorost_uid0]

[O-LYM-PIC]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO A COP...

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!


5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a
warning, too!


10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.


11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"[/colorost_uid0]

[O-LYM-PIC]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]1. What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

2. What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity

3. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 kilos.

4. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.

5. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

6. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.


7. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.

8. What have men and floor tiles got in common?
If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for
life.

9. Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

10. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring
and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

11. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

12. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.

13. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.

14. What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.


15. Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and
refrigerator.

16. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in sixth grade. Who has
the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

17. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your Mum.

18. How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

19. How do you know when you're leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."

20. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

21. What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her navel.

22. What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A Bingo Machine.

23. Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex too.

24. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

25. What three two-letter words mean small?
"Is It In?"

26. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

27. If you are having sex with two women and one more walks in, what do
you have?
Divorce proceedings.

28. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Tasmania?
Everyone has the same DNA.

29. Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.

30. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A speech impediment.

31. What does it mean when the flag at a US Post Office is flying at
half mast?
They're hiring.

32. What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.

33. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

34. Why aren't there any Aboriginals on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future either.

35. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

36. What do you call a New Zealand farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A Pimp.

37. What's the difference between a Japanese zoo, and an Australian zoo?

A Japanese zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage,
along with a recipe.

38. What's the Indonesian National Anthem?
Row row row your boat.[/colorost_uid0]