funniest thing you've heard lately? - Page 7

CityEnd · 22-08-2003, 02:12 AM

For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no f*****g bike.

-------------------------------------------

This story happened about a month ago in a little town in
Mexico, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.
This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him and stopped.
Without thinking about it, the guy got into the car, closed the door just to realise there was nobody behind the wheel. The car started slowly.
The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming. Scared, he started to
pray begging for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.
Paralysed in terror, the guy watched how the hand appeared every time they
were before a curve.
The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town.
Wet and in shock, he went into a cantina and asked for two shots of tequila.
Then he started telling everyone about the horrible experience he went through. Silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.
At that very moment two guys walked in the same cantina and one said to the other, "Look Pepe, that's the asshole that got in the car when we were pushing it!"

Toyboy · 27-08-2003, 09:11 PM

just an interesting plate i come across :P

Catch ya :wink:

Trav · 28-08-2003, 08:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CityEnd

"Look Pepe, that's the asshole that got in the car when we were pushing it!"

Pure GOLD mate!!!! GOLD!!!!

mrpayner · 28-08-2003, 06:10 PM

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local paper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.

He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8 x 10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F*** you!" Then he turned to his bride and said, "F*** you!" Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge.....making the brides' parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the brides' and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends.......$32,000

Wedding photos commemorating the occasion.....$3,000

Deluxe two week honeymoon in Maui.....$8,500

The look on everyone's faces when they see the 8 x 10 glossy of the bride humping the best man........ Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MasterCard.

:lol: AP

mrpayner · 28-08-2003, 06:24 PM

All drugs have a generic name:
- Tylenol is acetaminophen,
- Aleve is naproxen,
- Amoxil is amoxicillin,
- Advil is ibuprofen, and so on.

The FDA has been searching for a generic name for Viagra, and announced that it has settled on Mydixadud. Also considered were: Mycoxafloppin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Mycoxafailin, and Alimpdixafixit.
And of course, Ibepokin.

AP

Toyboy · 31-08-2003, 09:59 PM

Click here for a good Laugh :lol:

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/celebxxx.php

Catch ya :wink:

Toyboy · 26-10-2003, 03:06 PM

LONDON, England (Reuters) -- Six British schoolboys were rushed to the hospital after taking the erection-enhancing drug Viagra at lunchtime for a dare, the school said Thursday.

Paramedics were called after a fellow student told teachers about the 13-year-olds' prank, a spokesperson for Forest School in Winnersh, in southern England, said.

The local education authority said they think the student took the pills from home and brought them to the all-boys school where he shared them with five friends.

The school has a no drugs policy and the students likely will face punishment, especially the student who brought the pills into school, the education authority said.

The Sun newspaper quoted a source at the school as saying: "By the time the afternoon lessons began, there was no hiding what they had done."

Paramedics took the six squirming boys to the nearby Royal Berkshire Hospital, where they were monitored until the effects wore off.

The effects of Viagra are typically felt for up to 4 hours, according to viagra.com.
:lol: :lol: :lol:

andrewgrazier · 28-10-2003, 02:34 PM

OK here a joke dont know if ya heard it before

there is a guy driving down the street and there is two abbos walking along the road, his phone rings and he gets it but looses concentration and hits both of the abbos walking along the street.
One bounces off the car and flies through the air about 50 m away and the other one goes through the windscreen and gets stuck bleeding to deah half in the car.
the man thinks " Oh **** what have i done!!" and calls the police

the cops get there and investigate the scene,
the man then asks the police wether he will be charged,

the cop says " Huh what? " we have made the arreests allready"

then the othe cop says " Well we r chargin that one with break and enter and the other one with leaving the crime scene"

hahahahahaha
good old abbo jokes! :mrgreen: ..|..

Asterix · 28-10-2003, 04:51 PM

Or the boys could check out this link!

:shock: NICE RACK!!! :shock:

http://www.bugfish.com/qwerty/SMTSFLSH2.swf

Disclaimer: Kitty... view at your own discretion. :wink:

KittyKatSmack · 29-10-2003, 08:43 AM

Thanks for the warning Asterix, LOL

And she has got pretty saggy boozies, wait until she ain't arching her back!!!

:roll:

tsk tsk tsk!

She would do herself an injury if she were to bounce with any enthusiasm!

:twisted:

*Kitty retracts claws and bounces off*

Asterix · 30-10-2003, 02:51 PM

1) If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

2) I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.

3) If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

4) How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

5) I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.

6) My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

7) Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go ****.

8) Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!

9) If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas,
could I meet you between the holidays?

10) You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!

11) Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.

12) Could I touch your belly button ... from the inside?

13) I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?

14) How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.

15) Guy: "Would you like to dance?" Girl: "I don't care for this song and
surely wouldn't dance with you." Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have
misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"

16) I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

17) **** me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

18) I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

19) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a
light switch away.

20) Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous
curves ahead, yield?

21) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this motel room.

22) Wanna play Pearl Harbor? ... It's a game where I lay back while you
blow the hell out of me.

23) Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

24) Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

25) I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking
to you.

26) That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be
coming too.

27) I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me
to it.

28) Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

Sandyman · 30-10-2003, 09:53 PM

:lol: nice.

here's something funny.
http://www.atlantaillustrated.com/bi...hildrensbooks/

the 2nd last one(in my opinion) is the best.

S373N · 04-11-2009, 04:39 PM

Just thought it was a little odd.
Was going to change registration over to my toothpaste.
Exert from www.transport.tas.gov.au

Quote:

Transfer of a Vehicle - Responsbilility

* Description
* Role of a registered operator
* Before accepting responsibility for a vehicle
* Transferring the registration - 14 day limit
* Light and heavy vehicles
* Specifying a registered operator
* Conditional registration
* Ex-government vehicles
* Customer provides
* Customer receives
* Payment
* Duty not payable

Description

By transferring a vehicle into your name you become the registered operator.

To become a registered operator you must be one of the following:

* a person
* a body corporate such as a company or an incorporated association
* a government department
* a government authority.

Different criteria apply to be a registered operator for light and heavy vehicles.

mussing · 04-11-2009, 06:06 PM

It's there to provide that you have to be a legal person or something with legal personality, like a corporation; you can't register a car in the name of certain other things like unincorporated associations, unincorporated non-profit associations, trusts, syndicates, joint ventures, partnerships, etc.

</lawstudent>

Cosmo Dude · 04-11-2009, 06:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mussing

It's there to provide that you have to be a legal person or something with legal personality, like a corporation; you can't register a car in the name of certain other things like unincorporated associations, unincorporated non-profit associations, trusts, syndicates, joint ventures, partnerships, etc.

</lawstudent>

Someone or something that can be held accountable, not "It's registered to my toothbrush. Take that to court!"

27-08-2003, 09:11 PM	#122
Toyboy Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: nsw Car: Ba Astina Posts: 1,113	just an interesting plate i come across :P Catch ya :wink: __________________ "Man who drop watch in toilet have ****ty time."

28-08-2003, 06:10 PM	#124
mrpayner Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: -37.561609, 143.854814 Car: 2013 Mazda 6 GT Sedan - Soul Red Posts: 3,517 View Photos By: mrpayner	This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local paper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8 x 10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F* you!" Then he turned to his bride and said, "F* you!" Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge.....making the brides' parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the brides' and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this? Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends.......$32,000 Wedding photos commemorating the occasion.....$3,000 Deluxe two week honeymoon in Maui.....$8,500 The look on everyone's faces when they see the 8 x 10 glossy of the bride humping the best man........ Priceless. There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MasterCard. :lol: AP __________________ 2013 Mazda6 Diesel GT ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Formerly] 2004 Mazda6 Luxury Sport

28-08-2003, 06:24 PM	#125
mrpayner Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: -37.561609, 143.854814 Car: 2013 Mazda 6 GT Sedan - Soul Red Posts: 3,517 View Photos By: mrpayner	All drugs have a generic name: - Tylenol is acetaminophen, - Aleve is naproxen, - Amoxil is amoxicillin, - Advil is ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been searching for a generic name for Viagra, and announced that it has settled on Mydixadud. Also considered were: Mycoxafloppin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Mycoxafailin, and Alimpdixafixit. And of course, Ibepokin. AP __________________ 2013 Mazda6 Diesel GT ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Formerly] 2004 Mazda6 Luxury Sport

31-08-2003, 09:59 PM	#126
Toyboy Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: nsw Car: Ba Astina Posts: 1,113	Funny ** Click here for a good Laugh :lol: http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/celebxxx.php Catch ya :wink: __________________ "Man who drop watch in toilet have **ty time."

26-10-2003, 03:06 PM	#127
Toyboy Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: nsw Car: Ba Astina Posts: 1,113	LONDON, England (Reuters) -- Six British schoolboys were rushed to the hospital after taking the erection-enhancing drug Viagra at lunchtime for a dare, the school said Thursday. Paramedics were called after a fellow student told teachers about the 13-year-olds' prank, a spokesperson for Forest School in Winnersh, in southern England, said. The local education authority said they think the student took the pills from home and brought them to the all-boys school where he shared them with five friends. The school has a no drugs policy and the students likely will face punishment, especially the student who brought the pills into school, the education authority said. The Sun newspaper quoted a source at the school as saying: "By the time the afternoon lessons began, there was no hiding what they had done." Paramedics took the six squirming boys to the nearby Royal Berkshire Hospital, where they were monitored until the effects wore off. The effects of Viagra are typically felt for up to 4 hours, according to viagra.com. :lol: :lol: :lol: __________________ "Man who drop watch in toilet have ****ty time."

22-08-2003, 02:12 AM	#121
CityEnd Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Melbourne Car: . Posts: 915	For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no f*****g bike. ------------------------------------------- This story happened about a month ago in a little town in Mexico, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real. This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him and stopped. Without thinking about it, the guy got into the car, closed the door just to realise there was nobody behind the wheel. The car started slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming. Scared, he started to pray begging for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. Paralysed in terror, the guy watched how the hand appeared every time they were before a curve. The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he went into a cantina and asked for two shots of tequila. Then he started telling everyone about the horrible experience he went through. Silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk. At that very moment two guys walked in the same cantina and one said to the other, "Look Pepe, that's the asshole that got in the car when we were pushing it!"

28-10-2003, 02:34 PM	#128
andrewgrazier Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: newcastle Posts: 586 View Photos By: andrewgrazier	OK here a joke dont know if ya heard it before there is a guy driving down the street and there is two abbos walking along the road, his phone rings and he gets it but looses concentration and hits both of the abbos walking along the street. One bounces off the car and flies through the air about 50 m away and the other one goes through the windscreen and gets stuck bleeding to deah half in the car. the man thinks " Oh **** what have i done!!" and calls the police the cops get there and investigate the scene, the man then asks the police wether he will be charged, the cop says " Huh what? " we have made the arreests allready" then the othe cop says " Well we r chargin that one with break and enter and the other one with leaving the crime scene" hahahahahaha good old abbo jokes! :mrgreen: ..\|..

28-10-2003, 04:51 PM	#129
Asterix AstinaGT Regular Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Melbourne, Vic Car: Ex Astina, ex R34, ex 850R, currently Polo GTi Posts: 431	Or the boys could check out this link! :shock: NICE RACK!!! :shock: http://www.bugfish.com/qwerty/SMTSFLSH2.swf Disclaimer: Kitty... view at your own discretion. :wink:

29-10-2003, 08:43 AM	#130
KittyKatSmack Banned Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Australia Car: Mazda Posts: 3,961	Thanks for the warning Asterix, LOL And she has got pretty saggy boozies, wait until she ain't arching her back!!! :roll: tsk tsk tsk! She would do herself an injury if she were to bounce with any enthusiasm! :twisted: Kitty retracts claws and bounces off

30-10-2003, 02:51 PM	#131
Asterix AstinaGT Regular Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Melbourne, Vic Car: Ex Astina, ex R34, ex 850R, currently Polo GTi Posts: 431	1) If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole? 2) I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag. 3) If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning! 4) How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized? 5) I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face. 6) My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in. 7) Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go **. 8) Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass! 9) If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays? 10) You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you! 11) Your parents must be retarded, because you are special. 12) Could I touch your belly button ... from the inside? 13) I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69? 14) How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat. 15) Guy: "Would you like to dance?" Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you." Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants" 16) I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house. 17) ** me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda? 18) I love every bone in your body - especially mine. 19) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. 20) Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield? 21) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this motel room. 22) Wanna play Pearl Harbor? ... It's a game where I lay back while you blow the hell out of me. 23) Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be. 24) Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money? 25) I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you. 26) That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too. 27) I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it. 28) Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

30-10-2003, 09:53 PM	#132
Sandyman Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Newcastle Posts: 879	:lol: nice. here's something funny. http://www.atlantaillustrated.com/bi...hildrensbooks/ the 2nd last one(in my opinion) is the best. __________________ Vulnerant omnes, ultima necat. All of them wound, the last one kills.

04-11-2009, 06:06 PM	#134
mussing Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Sydney Car: 1990 323 Astina BG SP Posts: 1,071 View Photos By: mussing	It's there to provide that you have to be a legal person or something with legal personality, like a corporation; you can't register a car in the name of certain other things like unincorporated associations, unincorporated non-profit associations, trusts, syndicates, joint ventures, partnerships, etc. </lawstudent>

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