funny things i've been sent lately

[azaudio]

How do you make Rose wine? .......... kick her in the teeth

[Rupewrecht]

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk,they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place and as he shows her around, she notices that his bedroom is completed packed with cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute little bears on a shelf all the way along the floor.

Cute, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge enourmous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is a bit surprised that a man would have such a collection of teddy bears, especially one so extensive, but she decides not to mention it to him and is actually quite impressed that he can so freely express his sensitive side.

She turns to him....they kiss. and then they rip each others clothes off and make passionate love.

After an intense night with this sensitive man they are laying together in the afterglow. The woman leans in to him and whispers, "how was it?"

The man says....






"Not bad, help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

[SehnKhan]

How NOT to do interior paint:

http://forums.mbworld.org/forums/sho...p;pagenumber=1

[Cosmo Dude]

One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. then, Mrs Claus told him that her Mum was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more. then when he went to harness the reindeer, he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys everywhere. So, frustrated Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that someone had drank all of his liquor and there was nothing left to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of pieces all over the kitchen floor. he went to get the broom and found that the mice had eaten the straw from which it was made. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a wonderful day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[KittyKatSmack]

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the women's restrooms at the airport but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassedly:
"Doing Just Fine!"

And the other voice says:
"So what are you up too?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too
bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear
another question.

"Can I come over to your place after while?"

OK, this question is just wacky but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.

I reply, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"

Then I hear the voice say nervously...


"LISTEN, I'll have to call you back. There's some crazy woman in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

[mrpayner]

The hypnotist

It was opening night at the Orpheum and "The Amazing Claude" was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"****!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

[KittyKatSmack]

Vodka & Red Bull Christmas Cake

Ingredients:
1 cup water
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
Lemon Juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle of Vodka
1 can of Red Bull
2 cups dried fruit

Method:
1. Sample the vodka to check the quality.
2. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.
3. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and mix with a little red bull and drink.
4. Repeat.
5. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
6. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
7. At this point its is best to make sure the vodka is still ok.
8. Flavour with red bull to taste.
9. Try another cup - just in case turn off the mixerer.
10. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
11. Pick fruit off floor
12. Mix on the turner.
13. If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
14. Shample the vodka to check for tonsisticitity, flavour with a little Bed Rull.
15. Next ssiffft two cups of salt. Or something … Who giveshz a shi**
16. Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder
17. Pick up the can, mop the floor
18. Check the vodka
19. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
20. Add one table.
21. Add a shpoon of shugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over..
23. Don't forget to beat off the turner
24. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the dog.
25. Fall into bed.
CHERRY MISTMAS

[Toyboy]

Two girls were hired to clean a big house.
The owners left for work and there was nobody home, so they decided to take their clothes off.
They worked naked for a few hours, when they heard the door-bell.
"Who is it?", one of the asked.
"It's a blind-man", answered the man from outside. Since they realized he couldn't see them anyway, they decided to stay the way they were.
They opened the door, and the man said: "Hi, nice tits! where do you want the blinds?"...

[Toyboy]

CENTRELINK

:lol: :lol: A scruffy looking guy walks into the local Centrelink office,
marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi, I hate being on the
dole and I'd really rather have a job."

The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is
excellent.We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his blonde nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to
drive her around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be
expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a
apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're bull****ting me!"

"Yeah, well" says the Centrelink officer, "you started it". :lol:

[CityEnd]

does this guy look familiar to u?

http://www.thenoel.org/asianprince/

[mrpayner]

AP

[geetee]

a girl can hold a fart in for ages but ask her to hold a secret.....impossible!
a bloke can hold a secret if he wants to but a fart? no chance! he`s gotta blow it out as loudly and as hard as possible!

solution? if you need to tell a girl a secret, then whisper it up her ass!! :lol:

[Toyboy]

A young couple was in their honeymoon suite
on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed,
the husband, who was a big burly bruiser, tossed his
pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size
of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said.
"That's right and don't forget it," said the husband.
"I'm the man in this family."
With that, she flipped him her panties and said,
"Try these on." He tried them on and found he could
only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
He said, "Hell, I can't get into your pants."
She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's
going to be until your f#*@% attitude changes!" :lol:

[Red Frog]

Originally Posted by KittyKatSmack

Vodka & Red Bull Christmas Cake

sounds v. v. bridget jones to me! maybe they can write it into the sequel hehehe

[mrpayner]

The Ultimate Chess Set?

AP

[Cosmo Dude]

Originally Posted by MrPayner

The Ultimate Chess Set?

AP

Are those pawns or porns?

[Red Frog]

kinda badgerish but with a french feel :lol:
must watch all the way to the end

http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/26/

[dfvadr]

if money dont grow on trees ,why do banks have branches

[MrShadow]

kinda badgerish but with a french feel
must watch all the way to the end

http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/26/

:shock: :shock: :shock:
What the hell were they on?

[Rupewrecht]

A public servant, on his way home from work in Canberra traffic came to a
dead halt and thought to himself, "This is unusual."

He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he
rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold-up?"

The officer replied, "The Prime Minister is depressed, so he stopped his
motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on
fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq,
or the connection between Saddam and al-Qaeda, or that his tax cuts will help
anyone except his wealthy friends. So we're taking up a collection for him."

The public servant asks, "How much have you got so far?" The officer replies,
"About 200 litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning."